I don’t know when this impulse to write got the better of me. I used to laugh at people who had diaries, my sister included. Never wrote a single piece of experience other than the one for SPJain a couple of days ago. Sure feels weird.
Maybe the fact that I quit my company to study is now taking a toll on me. Been quite a few days since I lost my tempo and for no good reason. I know I need to get up. I cannot afford to sit at home the next year and I cannot afford to get into a mediocre college. That’s my definition of success and which every passing day slips out of my reach. Back in Deloitte I never grasped the situation completely. I blindly assumed that once I quit, things would fall into place. I would really get down to it ¬hing; would hold me back. Naivety at its best.
The loss of company, exams, the dates.. everything pushes you a little over the edge until one fine day you cant pickup the pen nomore. You think you need a break but take it a tad bit longer and you cannot get back in the groove again. I lasted a bit longer thanks to by gf who has been a gem of a person and stuck with me all through. Couldn’t have come so far without her.
But here I am now and there are things I need to fix. The voice in my head kills me every time I go to bed. The worries crowd around my head whispering my fears in a voice so gelid it’s an effort to sleep. There are times I feel totally wretched. I know am at a level where things are just a grasp away. I need a push, a massive one indeed, and I need it soon.
Back in Deloitte things were good. You have all the time and all the people you can possibly need. You’re on the green side and everything looks within grasp. When you have money, time to hit a gym, girls swooning over you and all the time to party along it’s hard to get a real picture of what things would be without any of that. Things get taken and you’re suddenly not your previous self anymore.
It’s not that am always this morose. There are times when am motivated enough to study 12 hours flat, each day of the week. When my distended belly, the apparent tenebrous existence and the yearning to get back to the society are the least of my concerns. When the ponderous books spell adventure and there’s a sanguine essence in the air even in the face of the most arduous questions. When the enervation at the end of the day brings cheer. When the sight of a perfect answer leaves you elated and the bemusing ones bring interest. But all this was before cat. (contd…)