I am Gripped by Nothing

I’m lying on bed with the television on and a gadget named laptop on my stomach with an unlimited internet plan to go with it. Yet, it has been while that I’m looking at these tabs on browser and at the same time trying to rummage this enormous brain of mine to search a single term which I can enter in the GOOOGLE search bar. I don’t know about this feeling that do I know all or if I do not wish to know anything at all. It’s like someone has tied me up from top to bottom and I’m helpless. This situation of being tied would have be better than this where I’m free to do anything yet is…ahhh..paralysed and vulnerable.

I don’t wish to sign-in to my email or check the latest happenings on Facebook. Nor do I desire to watch a movie from 150 odd movies on hard disk or anything on Youtube. Exams are done so there is nothing to study either where I may immerse myself into algebra and geometry. What is there right now is just NOTHING. There is both feeling emptiness and fulfillment. It’s like a vacuum with no doors to run from.

Well, let’s rewind this to 30*6=180 days in my past. Got a job after college and eagerly waiting for the joining date. With a rented flat, on the first day of joining woke up at 6 AM and by 8:05 AM was at a bus-stop my office building. All cheered and excited while walking to my destination, I make a call to my father –“haan papa- dekho aaj office ja raha hun, ashirwaad dedo…”. Now somewhat emotional, I was finally outside my office 45 minutes before the actual timing. On the first day within first hour this is what I said to the HR: “No Sir, I cannot sign this 3-year agreement.”

And this was the start to MBA preparation-taking coaching classes everyday even on Sundays, solving maths problems, reading newspapers, magazines, grammar books, websites of TheHindu and TheEconomist. Took about 30 mocks and others test with all my vigour (kuch kar dikhana hai wala josh) . After the actual CAT and now IIFT, today things are like what should I study?? It’s like I visit the PaGalGuY more that 50 times a day and read articles like food security bill, reforms, constitution and its commissions, big companies and their CEO, cricket, tennis, racing, UN, UNICEF and now even the Bollywood and Hollywood is GK today. There is also a fear if this MBA gamble doesn’t click and a disaster. This wakes me up from my sleep and now I am searching jobs, applying to every jobs where the eligibility criteria is met.

But at this present moment (2:12 AM) ….I’m done with everything -MBA and job. Yet the irony is- I’ll have to study whether I like it or not.

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