Dating a Sailor 14: The Shield

There’s a reason I said I would be happy alone. It wasn’t because I thought that I did not need someone or I enjoyed being alone. It was because I thought that if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it through. It’s easy this way. It’s easy to be alone. What if you learn that you need love and then you do not have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart. Can you even survive that kind of pain?- Grey Quote.

But how do you not feel? How do you not love? How do you take back all the love you showered on the person that matters to you most? How to not matter to the person you love? I was clueless. Completely clueless. But I knew it was for better. For me and for him. So, yes, I decided to put up the walls, a shield.

Its true. I could not bear the pain,his and mine. I wished this was easier and we would have never met-that I had not met him that day or he had not seen me that day. It would have been so simple. We’d have been happy alone. Those memories rushed to my mind. I felt a pang inside me. I killed it. Whatever it was, I killed it. I knew that.

He called me several times post the incident. I was cruel enough to not pick his phone. He tried to visit me but I did not comply. Slowly, he gave up. It was not a good feeling. I tried to spend most of my time with friends.

“Go, kiss him and make things okay with him”, Sarah said. She was drunk. She drinks and goes lecturing relationships after her every unsuccessful attempt to date.

“I am sorry, what?”, I was surprised.

“Go and tell him internet dating sucks. And what you have or had technically is divine and beautiful. And you are an idiot to leave him and so is he to give up on you”, said the booze.

“Ana is a grown woman. Don’t tell her what to do.”,Alex added.

“You are married, Alex. Strike that.Happily married.You do not get a say.Ana, I am telling you. Go and tell him that you love him and don’t tell me you don’t, it’s written all over your face. You blushed at the very mention of him. Go and live your life with your Sailor. Go to Africa and make beautiful babies like you and him and tell your babies that internet dating sucks!”, Sarah breathed.

” I am going Africa with my wife to make beautiful babies”, Alex added and we all burst out laughing. Somewhere I knew I liked hearing his name.

I missed him. But I knew I couldn’t let myself go insane over him again.

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