He looked at me. “Don’t you?”, he asked. He looked hopefully at me.
“I don’t know Sam.” I said, turning away.
” You don’t know if you love me?”, he re-iterated.
“I don’t know if I can go through whatever I went through again. “, I said. My hands were folded.
“You don’t have to!”, he said. I could sense the pain in his voice.
“Sammy, I love you. I have always loved you. But that doesn’t change anything of what I went through. I built four walls of our house in my heart. I made big plans. You were my big plan. And us, we were the big plan. And one fine day, I hear that you are dead. That my house will be just four walls. You cannot even begin to understand what I went through.”, I said.
“I know, Ana. It was tough. It had been difficult for me too.”, he tried to convince me.
“Let me speak, Sam.I was lonely and I have always been lonely. But I was happy. I was more than happy with you. We were happy but this is also a fact that you are going to go on that ship again because its your job and that is what you’ve devoted yourself too. And believe me, I am proud of you for that but every time you’re gonna go on that ship, I will be scared to death wondering if you’re going to make home alive. And if so much so happens again, I might even wish you don’t survive so that I do not have to go through all of it again! And I do not want to wish that, but if we stay together again, I might. I love you. But this is not going to happen, for whatever its worth. I love you and I want you to pick me and chose me as your girl, I do but that is not happening.”
“Ana! Please!”, he did not see this coming.
“So, Sam, I am gonna go home and I want you to do the same. This is it.You be happy wherever you are, I’ll be happy here.”, I said.
“Ana, if you dare leave me, we’ll be done, I am telling you, please we’ve survived the worst already, we’ll survive again”,he shouted with tears in his eyes.
“We are shouting at each other in the middle of a crowd. We’re already over, Sam. That is what I am telling you. We can’t survive!”, I said, tears rolling down my cheek.
“Take care and you stay happy, okay”,I added.
“No! No! NO! Don’t do this! Don’t walk away! Please”. he begged.
I tried not to break down. I wanted to hug him. I knew I shouldn’t. I left before I could not hold it any further.