Chasing the dreams and facing the Reality-II

As my joining date was very near , the wounds got a better environment to heal. The training was also very hectic which kept me engaged. So the thought of taming the CAT subsided for a moment. I came to the real corporate world and the wicked, the diplomatic and the inhuman managers. I always had objection to their ways of managing the project. But I was never vocal about it. I was put into night shifts where I directly interacted with the customer and did a pretty good job. Often I worked for 24hrs to handle that tough customer. Soon I wanted myself to be a manager with human side and realistic expectations unlike my manager. And the only way to climb up the ladder was to go for an MBA.

I started preparing for exams in the month of September just 1 month before CAT. I had no expectations from CAT, so I gave my best for XAT. I stayed late at office to study, gave mocks, trimmed my social life and cancelled official trips. Finally the results came. In CAT, I scored 39%ile yet again. I brushed this aside thinking of performing good in XAT. But I was wrong, I scored again 69%ile.With tears in my eyes, I muttered to myself, I will emerge stronger and better next time.I will prepare again.

Next year I joined a coaching center and started everything from scratch, attended the classes regularly and gave all the mocks.Throughout this one year I had my failure lurking behind and success at the end of the tunnel in my sight.This time the sacrifices were even harsher. To keep myself motivated, in my notebook I used to write inspiring quotes and watch motivational speeches. Adding another feather of failure to my hat, I scored 68%ile. Yet again I failed and failed miserably. XAT was the only ray of hope at this juncture and all I could do is to hope. But it was 69%ile.

I still remember I couldn’t hear the noise of traffic. I kept walking with a heavy heart and watery eyes. All those tough preparation times came flashed intermittently. I remember regaining sense after I came across a dead end. I always said to my mother throughout the times of preparation “Momma I gave my 100%. Don’t worry God wont be that unfair to me.”But God had some other plans. Dreams shattered, hopes destroyed, I was left with utter despair and my dark future in front of me. Questions like “Am I not worthy of doing a MBA?”, “Why I am so retarded?”,” MBA is not my cup of tea.” begins to emerge in my mind. What I am destined for?. In which direction I am heading?. Numerous questions baffle my mind and leave me as a person without any goal. In pursuit of excellence all I discover that I am a loser, busy adding feathers of failures to my cap.