A mail

The following is a mail sent by a 20-year old guy to his 20-year old love. Currently, he is studying in Chennai (mathematics undergraduate), lives in Calcutta, and his girlfriend is in Delhi (studying engineering at Amity University) (Prerna is a friend in her college). They haven’t seen each other in a year, and often any plans to re-unite have failed due to one reason or the other. I believe, anyone who reads this, can very much identify the feeling from their own experiences:


My heartbeat,

Since last Wednesday, (or maybe Tuesday night), I had been planning yet another way to reach you. Obstinate by nature, and the desire to refresh myself and do something “meaningful” in our relationship (so that we may have a great memory), I decided that after 9th May, I would tell my parents I have yet to submit an assignment (And by the way, I do!); and so I would convince them that I would book a tatkal to Kolkata, after all my work is done; while, I, after giving my exam on 9th, would fly off to Delhi and spend some 2-3 days with you and come to Kolkata from there. The dream was so inspiring and refreshing to me, that I went on dreaming this before going to sleep each night and made me so happy and cheerful, as I haven’t been for ages.

I made plans; wrote pages after pages of notes; from hats to mouth-masks to iron chains for chaining the luggage to pivots in the railway sleepers, to buying a mug for railway toilet, to planning out what clothes to take… I found out another ATM card (the old Indian Bank ATM card) for storing the money for the trip and food, and even talked with people, and one of them even agreed to pay me 2,000 bucks and I had everything… everything from finance, to travel, to food and everything planned out. It was hair-raising with money and finances, but somehow I managed after trying hard after it for 4 days! (Yesterday, I got confident that I have all the money I need!) I dreamt and thought of almost every possible way to surprise you!

I wanted to surprise you; and I kept on thinking ways on how to surprise you: the most touching one to me was this:

I would go to Delhi while you would think I am going to Kolkata, and then I would go to your uncle’s place and ring the bell and I would ask for you and you would see me in disbelief! I am even smiling right now! What a fantastic dream it is!

But since, I don’t know the address of your uncle’s place, I would either ask Prerna (since I thought she might know), and I began practicing how to speak in english with her (I practiced speaking to imaginary Prerna about your address for 2 hours, last to last night, I guess!). I even thought of opening a facebook account and messaging her, if I didn’t get the courage to speak with her! Silly me!

The other idea was to go to Amity and inquire about you! But I wasn’t sure, they would disclose your local guardian’s address to a stranger, so I even thought of everything: how I would convince them telling I was your cousin brother, or I would tell the truth that I am your boyfriend and wanted to surprise you; each and every kind of crazy thought and I kept laughing and smiling at myself. I would think and think and keep on dreaming all this, and I would sleep with a smile to give an exam, the very next morning, in one of the toughest mathematics colleges in Asia!

I am smiling even now. It was such a wonderful dream. A dream that made me smile without fear or worries, when people were fretting about their exams. A dream that gave me the strength to keep carrying on. A dream that inspired me and made my soul fly above all. Fly above everything else.

The dream. I identified myself with it. It was my baby; I knew I would take care of it and protect it from all intrusions. I knew – no matter what happens I am not going to let it go away. I would do it, I have faced a lot and I would do it, no matter what it takes.

Until it was butchered into tiny little bloody quivering fragments of tortured flesh, by the hellish crookedness of the devilish sword of something known as “Life”.

Until today.

Until the morning of Saturday 3rd May 2014, when Life decided to tell me the truth: that it isn’t fair.