Love Marriages Vs. Arranged Marriages

[tinkerbell]

Originally Posted by DesiGuru

PS:Now this is almost exactly similar to an IIM MBA Vs Non-IIM MBA. HaHa...
PS1: Just try to put IIM MBA = Love marriage and Non-IIM MBA=Arranged Marriage for a simultaneous paralled comparison. It will be interesting to watch.

[zero_in_on_me]

@mohit........ man 21 is 2 young 2 get married ....... its not abt being bookish ....... i dunt think dat its d right time 2 tell the parents ...... cuz if they dunt agree ....... then wat ???? they juz mite use emotional blakmail ...... n get u married 2 sum1 else ....... or they juz might restrict ur movements ...... u nvr knoe .... i hv seen it happening wid one of my pals ....... it was sardar gurl v/s baniya guy ........

@dg ....lolzzzz

[Unluckyme]

Originally Posted by tinkerbell

And sorry for digressing from the discussion and posting my personal stuff out here, but I couldnt help it..

Lemme continue with the discussion..
Some folks tell me that arranged marriages today are not like the ones a century ago. They tell me that today, the guy and the girl get enough time to get to know each other before they get married. But isnt the whole relationship between them "marriage-oriented" right from the time they are introduced to each other? Right from the moment they meet each other, the guy and the girl see each other as prospective partners. Dosent that impede the naturality of their behaviour with each other? And what about the "seeing" of the bride where she is paraded before potential suitors like cattle before prospective buyers. The guy and his family ponder over her height,weight, her complexion, her "homeliness"...and then decide whether to accept or reject her. Think of the state of mind of the girl who has been rejected after being "seen". Think of the guy who has to see the entire tomfoolery being enacted again and again until finally, a girl who will "adjust" with the family's requirements comes up. Think of the endless bargaining over dowry (Yes, it does exist -and we all know it)...over the amount of jewellery to be given..
I would much rather get my marriage registered with the guy I love at some point of time when both our careers are secure rather than settle for the next "catch" available and invite all the people in town for it.
I am by no means a person who is "western" in outlook.But these, however are my views.

Ma'am,
if ur in a relationship for 3 yrs, it makes sense to find fault in everything the other institution has to offer. i think u shud go for registered marraige.
But for hundreds of other singletons, how many would want to disobey the parents who gave the life, society which brought them up, for a guy who u dream would lead u into a blissful existence. To an extent, its wishful thinking !!

[tinkerbell]

I have already tried to convince them a lot without bringing up the topic of my relationship..I just wanted to know about the views of the junta in general about love marriages and arranged marriages..
I wanted to c if I am being selfish by wanting to marry the guy I love rather than the guy my parents choose for me..I know I must be selfish if I stick to my guy because my folks are religion-crazed and it would hurt them no end if I spurn their religious sentiments. But I do not want to be a hypocrite by marrying a guy I dont love just to keep the wagging tongues of the world quiet. Me and my bf ( I hate calling him that) are in love. We want to first secure our careers and live a life together. But the pressure on me at home is enormous.

This is my personal situation. I have stated it in response to zango's question. But I dont expect you all to give your thoughts on my situation alone. I just want to know the views of the junta in general on the subject.

As far as convincing my parents is concerned, no points u can provide me will do the job. They are terribly orthodox in their views. I'll just have to take an extreme step in either case.

And mohitdhawan, I completely identify with your decision not to get married ever. Marriage is by no means a necessity. That's exactly the point I was trying to make.
If you do want to get married to someone, by all means, do it.But noone has the right to force you into something u dont want.

And Oxymoron, though things might not be as bad today in an arranged marriage as it was before, the emotional blackmail involved is immense. People might not physically force you into a marriage but the emotional blackmail u hv to face today is more or less similar.

[Aarav]

Just beats me as to why 2 people marry unless they are in love with each other.

The only plus I see in arranged marriages is that the expectations are pretty low, and things can only improve unless you get a horrible match.
Love marriages? Well, with what I have seen, people feel lonely, find someone who can share their nonsense with them and happily think that they are in love.

I don't know what Aristotle had in his mind when he said that men should marry at 37. We can have sex and feel emotionally balanced without marriage also.
It's a male dominated society and women have few choices. If you get a good groom, go for him even if you don't love him. Time will teach you to start loving him.

[thedragonreborn]

Originally Posted by Oxymoron

I maynot be a biologist but I do know a thing or two about what you are talking about Yes marriage is a social-legal institution. Spot on! And pray how does it make "evolutionary sense"??? Evolution is a biological institution. It has absolutely nothing to do with society and legal. Marriage is a man's creation. Using your logic of cohabitance and rearing of a family shouldnt animals get "married" too? And monogamy is not exactly an evolutionary need. Not by a long way! it is more of a recent trend (in cosmic terms). Anyway pray how exactly "marriage" ensure monogamy? Since you are a biologist may I presume you are familiar with the idea of "selfish gene theory"? So what's your take on it?

Never ask a biologist abt how things relate to evolution You'll be lucky to get them to stop

It makes very sound evolutionary sense. Ever thought about the ah! "safe investment" angle? Why do some grooms get preference over others? If u tell me financial security and the associated bilge, u are lookin at the question from a non-biologists point of view. One who has not cared to take a peek behind the matchmakin.

The primary focus of economic activity, with exceptions as there are to all things general, on the part of individuals is to be able to provide for the family. The more dedicated and capable the members of a parenting pair, the more chances do they have to leave their genes behind for the future. You must understand that all our lives gyrate round the need to ensure that we leave a copy of our genes for the next generation. That is the driving force behind life as a whole.

Monogamy is not a recent trend. On the contrary, it is nearly as old as evolution itself is. And marriages do happen in the animal world. Storks, swans, foxes, hunting dogs, owls, gorillas, geese and hundreds of other species mate for life. Ever heard the bit about lovers "Livin like a pair of doves"?

Monogamy makes sense as it allows the offspring to benefit from the full attention and care and energy that the parents can provide. More chances for the set of genes to survive into maturity. This is not quite possible if either parent offers his/her attention to "other" matters. And in the case of humans, where the offsprings need around 20 years to mature into self sustaining individuals, it becomes all the more important for the parents to look after the child.

Lookin for a life partner is along similar lines. Younger girls are mostly paired off with older men (indeed, women do find older men more attractive than their contemporaries in most cases) to optimise their peak reproductive years with the security and able support and provison of resources for child rearing from the older man.

The selfish gene theory? Very simply put it means that we try to maximise our chances of leaving behind our genetic imprints by choosin healthy genes for our subsequent generations. Hence we find men with the tendency to stray and women to be picky about their reproductive partners. Men will willin mate as many times as oppurtunities arise because it maximises their chances of havin a child. They are not primarily worried about their abilities to be able to take care of the child once it is born.

Women being the actual rearers of the child, try to choose the more virile (for healthier babies) or the more secure (for important child rearing resources) partners, makin them more choosy. The instances of men being willing enough to sleep with strangers and women with general IQs lower than theirs is a well researched aspect of our reproductive behaviour. It is not so for women. They will not willingly take a stranger to bed and even when they do, the partner is generally their intellectual superior or financial better off.

And since genes harbour the true essence of us (the infamous Nature Vs Nurture debate) as to our capabilities and characteristic tendencies, we get to replace The Survival Of The Fittest with The Survial Of The Fittest Gene. The more beautiful, more symmetric a woman or man is, the better their IQ, the stronger their immune systems and the stronger the chances of survival of their gene.

Phew!!! That was one loooonnnnnggggg typin session!!!

Cheers!!!

[teenagedirtbag]

Ok so the the topic is "Love marriage or Arranged marriage"

Isn't it same as asking someone weither you would like to commit sucide or would u like to get killed.

On more serious note i have full sympathy with u tinkerbell.Moi in same sort of situation.I had been in a relationship for past 3 years and now my GFs parents want her to get married.Moi not of same Caste as her also not professionaly settled so can do nothing except .

What really irritates me is that both Moi and my GF thinks that we are not mentally prepared for marriage.But who will explain our parents who think marriage as some sort of obligation somewat like as every1 does it so must U. Frankly speeking i don't want to get married ever.I know it makes me sound commitoPhobic but thats what i really feels.

And i am also sure that i will be forced to marry the moment i will get out of the B-school and frankly that really Frightens me .

[sparkling_alien]

Hi friends!!
is it really worth spending so much of our time discussing a topic like "ideal guy!!!/ideal gal???
Don't u think "marriages are made in heaven"

and the post marital life - story..or lets say love story is issued in public interest by "Hell Media or hell publications!!!"

[manishp]

Well... i guess the whole concept is flawed...

But why or how does it work in somany cases..? There lies the clincher....

On the whole dragon came very close to the actual reason... among the natural species... and to most extent... western civilizations... the concept of arranged marriage is not as pronounced as it is here... and there the logic of trial and error works perfectly until the mates find their true better halves.. or the halves they would like to better of....

On the other hand.. out here... such trial and errors are limited to only an adventurous and tasteful few... and the rest of the junta...has to wait close to lets say a benchmark figure of 21-25 yrs.. where in they are so tired of watching the theories of *natural selection* and *survival of the fittest* working so well otherwise.... that they agree to make do with whatever choice is thrust upon them....

and as times have started changing... we are finding more n more hit n trials n hence more number of luv marriages.....

~

[Yanky]

Originally Posted by Aarav

Just beats me as to why 2 people marry unless they are in love with each other.

It's a male dominated society and women have few choices. If you get a good groom, go for him even if you don't love him. Time will teach you to start loving him.

I strongly disagree...........i agree our society...and moreover...our mindsets r male dominated.....its not abt choices...its all about how u perceive abt d things and how u really tackle d situations confronted.......women never had fewer choices.....i think things were always forced upon them due to several reasons we all are aware of.........

i suggest u my dear friend....come out of dis colonial mindset now......just try to implement these points upon urself......i'm sure u wud also nvr had accepted d things....as u r expecting half of d creatures around d world to accept.........