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An excerpt from true life --hilarious -
25-09-2002, 02:03 PM
> THE ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
> "You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's
> a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two
> of my English students. Rebecca - last name deleted and Gary - last
> name deleted. English 44A SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller
>
> In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new
> form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will
> pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of
> you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner
> will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
> story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
> back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in
> order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a
> conclusion has been reached."
>
> STORY:
> At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
> chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
> now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
> that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
> her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
> thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So
> chamomile was out of the question.
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
> now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
> than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
> whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
> Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
> orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
> could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
> blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
> hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
> one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
> had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
> pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
> "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
> Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
> excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
> youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
> newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
> innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
> lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
> Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
> the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
> peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
> through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
> alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within
> two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on
> course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
> planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
> diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
> unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
> headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
> inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
> other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
> table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
> blow'em out of the sky!"
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
> writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
> writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Asshole.
> ----------------------------------------------------------
> Bitch
> ------- end -------
>
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