[vasTheAspirant]

o Na God is real, unless declared integer
o Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
o Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
o Home is where the television is.
o Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
o Death is hereditary.
o Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
o Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
o When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
o Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
o Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else..
o Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.
o Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
o Nobody has ever died of hardwork, but why take the chance.
o Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
o You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
o I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
o If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
o Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.
o The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.
o Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.
o I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.
o Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
o Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
o The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
o There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.
o An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
o Who says nothing is impossible. Most of us have been doing nothing all these years.
o Light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off as a part of cost cutting!

o There are some things that money can’t buy. For everything else, my salary isn’t sufficient !!
o "Remember there's no I in team" ... (but there is a M and an E)
o Corporate Motto: READY - FIRE - AIM !!!
o I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
o I don't mind the rat race but I could do with a little more cheese.
o They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.
o It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
o You cannot have everything! Where would you put it?

[vasTheAspirant]

DAFFYNITIONS
o ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
o An Actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
o Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.
o An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
o An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
o BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where some women go to dye.
o Beauty: That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
o A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
o Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
o CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
o CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
o Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other , and a bit of tobacco in between.
o Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
o College : A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
o COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
o Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
o Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
o A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
o Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
o Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
o Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
o Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
o DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
o Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have ...never felt before.
o EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
o Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
o Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.
o An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
o Father :- A banker provided by nature.
o GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
o HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
o INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
o Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
o Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
o MYTH: A female moth.
o MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies look good after all.
o Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
o Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
o A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
o Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY .
o Philosopher:-A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
o Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
o A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
o RAISIN: Celery with sunburn.
o Rumour: News that travels at the speed of sound.
o A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
o SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
o SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
o Smile: - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
o Spouse: Someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
o A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
o S/W Engr : who is paid for sending and receiving such junk mails!
o Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine...power.
o TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
o A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
o TOMORROW: One of today's greatest labour saving devices.
o YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
o Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
o WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
o Worry : Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
o GOSSIP:-When you hear something you like, about somebody you don't.
o Death:- Life's way of telling you, you have been fired.
o Brain - the apparatus with which we think that we think.
o Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
o Ambition :- Poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.
o

[devilz_daughter]

gud funny stuff hr!
me posting one of the forwards i got
chk it out

Height of Miscommunication

In the days when you couldn't count on a public
toilet
facility,
an English woman was planning a trip to India. She
was
registered to
stay in a small guest house owned by the local
schoolmaster. She
was concerned as to whether the guest house
contained
a WC.

In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC
which
stands for "Water
Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of
the facilities about
the WC. The school master, not fluent in English,
asked the local priest
if he knew the meaning of WC.

Together they pondered possible meanings of the
letters and concluded
that the lady wanted to know if there was a
"Wayside
Chapel" near the
house.
a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC
is
located 9
miles from the house. It is located in the middle
of
a grove of pine
trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable
of
holding 229 people
and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer
months, I suggest you
arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing
room. This is an
unfortunate situation especially if you are in the
habit of going
regularly. It may be of some interest to you that
my
daughter was
married
in the WC as it was there that she met her husband.
It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in
every seat. It was
wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My
wife, sadly, has been
ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a
year since she went
last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased
to
know that many
people bring their lunch and make a day of it.
Others
prefer to wait till
the last minute and arrive just in time!
I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a
Thursday as there is an
organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent
and
even the most
delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest
addition is a bell
which rings every time a person enters.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for
all since many feel it
is long needed. I look forward to escorting you
there
myself and seating
you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster.

(The woman never visited India!!!!)

[gabbar_singh]

ABBOTT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free

Costello faints

[kuk-du-ku]

i have been laughing for the last 30 minutes. kya funny forwards hain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[catbitten]

u guys rock...cant stop laughing...

[catbitten]

even though i saw this forum a year late....very funny

[crazyvirgo]

A sardarji goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts
with the basics. "So, Mr., can you tell us your age, please?"



The sardarji counts carefully on his fingers for half a minute before
replying. "Um ... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And
can you tell us your height, please?" The sardarji stands up and produces a
measuring tape from his handbag. He then traps one end under his foot and
extends the tape to the top of his head. He checks the measurement and
announces, "Five foot two!"



This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics;
something the he won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm
for our records, your name please?"



The sardarji bobs his head from side to side for about fifteen seconds,
mouthing something silently to himself, before replying, "Gurpreet" The
interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you
doing when I asked you your name?"



"Oh, that!" replies the sardarji," I was just running through that song,
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...Happy Birthday dear
Gurpreet...happy birthday to you..."

[crazyvirgo]

may your sorrows last as long as your new year resolutions

[drkunjan]

MBBS WOH HAI JO PAKH GAYA HAI
ANATOMY KI PADHAI MAE
PHYSIO KI GEHRAI MAE
BIOCHEM KI CHATTIE MAE

MBBS WOH HAI JO PHAS GAYA HAI
KITABON KE JAAL MAE
EXAMINERS KI CHAAL MAE
INTERNALS AUR EXTERNALS KI MAAR MAE

MBBS WOH HAI JO
LUNCH TIME MAE BREAKFAST KARTA HAI
DINNER TIME MAE LUNCH KARTA HAI
3 AM KO NOTES TAIYAR KARTE KARTE JUICE PEETA HAI

MBBS WOH HAI JO PAGAL HAI
INTERNAL MEDICINE OR SURGERY KE PYAR MAE
PSM KE DULAAR MAE
FORENSIC KE VICHAR MAE

MBBS WHO HAI JO BUSY HAI
SAMPLES KE COLLECTION MAE
FUTURE KE CONNECTION MAE
GIRLFRIENDS KE REJECTION MAE

MBBS WAHI HAI JO
RESULT MALUM HOTE HUE BHI SAAL BHAR PADHHAI KARTA HAI
AUR EXAMS KE EK DIN PEHELE BHI ORKUT PE ONLINE MILTA HAI