I am not really a sentimental person, and I have little regard for nostalgia. But I was disappointed by my behavior during my CAT last year, and as I post this, I wish to articulate my promise to myself as it becomes real as only words can be.
I can't believe time flew by so quickly. Yesterday I was whining about not having done well after my CAT result, today, I am facing CAT again.
But it doesn't feel the same.
Last time, to say that I was nervous is an understatement. Because, I feel nervousness is fine, and you're allowed to be nervous. But I almost felt terror at the thought of taking on QADI last year. I wasn't great at QADI would be another understatement. :)
After my results I vowed to change that through preparation as rigorous as possible.
Today, about the same time as last year, I feel I've done all that I could. I don't think there's one more thing that I should have done that I didn't. I am still not as good as the QADI gods around, but I know that with my preparation now, I can make the cut. I think this is the best that I can do. So, all that's left now is to improve on what I did in those last 2.5 hours.
As strange as it is, I remember everything that happened in those 2.5 hours. Every visceral feeling, every moment of blankness, and every moment of the terror and doubt I felt whilst arguably the most important 2.5 hours of my life until then. I even had moments of utter disbelief. And then there was this moment when there were 35 minutes left on the clock in the 2nd section and I had finished just 7 LR questions, that I felt, "this is not going to work."
It's fair to say that I didn't have my best moments.
This year then, I have another promise to keep. That whatever happens, how much ever moody, I may be otherwise, lost and clueless most of the time, I won't be that during CAT.
I will not flinch in the face of adversity,
I will not let myself be marred by disbelief,
I will not stop myself from being nervous, but control my mind when that happens,
I will, like at everything else, give my god damn best.
And after all this, I do not care if I score a 0 or a 100%ile,
Because, I am now proud of the person I am, because I work hard, always do my best and help people when I can, and an external stimulus like an entrance exam result is not going to define me. For once, I'll give myself that privilege.
All the best.
Only god will judge me, and judge you. :)
P.s. I was not going to come back to PG until my CAT, but @visionIIM-ACL sir's gem made me. :P
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