Please grade my GMAT essays

9 Posts  ·  3 Users
About this group
Dear All, Please grade my GMAT essays. I have my exam in 3 days and i still have no clue about the AWA section :( Please help Here is the first one Group #1: Analysis of Issue The desire of corporations to maximize profits creat...
Page 1 of 1

Thanks SriHarsha.

Can you give me some good phrases to introduce my points. 'Firstly' Secondly sounds too drab

Also I have written another essay. I hope I have improved

Please grade my GMAT essay on 6
The author of the statement believes that the century old practice of using money in its physical form should be replaced by electronic accounts of credits and debits. Some people may argue that this practice is elitist and people of the lower and middle income group would not be able to follow such a system. Safety and prevention of fraud is also an area of concern.

The advent of coins were a really important point in the history of mans cultural evolution. Collection of rare coins and notes is a hobby to many.But as man evolves and newer technology is discovered we should make use of such technology. I believe,that the recent development in the system of electronics accounts should be adopted because it has a lot of benefits

The main argument for the system of electronic accounts is that, such a system would give accountability to every Dollar and penny. This means that nobody can make false claims on their income. Thus it follows that income tax can be computed correctly and hence paid properly. This system helps to prevent tax evasion. Tax evasion causes Billions of dollars of loss to the governments across the globe.

For people who argue that electronic credit transfer is elitist,the popularity of mobile money transfer in African countries will serve to quell their fears.In many African cities and villages, mobile money transfer, transfer of money using Cell phone, is very popular. This sort of money transfer is an example of electronic accounts. The villagers need not carry money with them, they can simply transfer money from their bank to conduct any transaction.Villagers in Africa buy everything from medical supplies to seeds by transfering money directly to the shopkeeper using mobile money transfer services. The villagers claim that they are very comfortable using this facility and this system gives them a greater feeling of safety for their money.So the key point we must notice is that once people are educated about such technology they dont fear in using and benefiting from such technology

I myself use the electronic money facility a lot these days. The most important benefit of electronic accounts is that I have a detailed account of where my money salary is spent. Since each transaction is logged I can simply use the account statement to see how my money is spent. This helps me plan my monthly budget better and helps me save better. Often we face the issue of not having change. ATMs give us only large notes and these are not accepted in some shops. Electronic accounts would solve this problem.

In conclusion I'd like to say that such a system of electronic accounts is highly beneficial.We do need to provide greater security to such accounts, but with some improvements we can really make this work and create a better system.And once people are educated about such technology, then everyone can use it.

undefined
Write a comment
Write a comment...
Topic
Parents should not shoulder the full burden of their childrens college tuition. If university students are required to pay for at least a portion of their education, they will take their studies more seriously and, ultimately, benefit more from their college experience.

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

My essay
The author of the statement believes that by sharing some of the burden of college tuition fee with their children, parents can instill a sense of responsibility in their children. While some may argue that students may be overburdened and would not be able to concentrate on their studies, other claim that this would actually make them take their studies seriously. I personally agree with the latter argument.

Firstly, these days students think of college as just a place to party. Underaged drinking and even drugs is a rampant problem in our colleges.Studies and course work often takes a backseat.Although students do go in for part time jobs,the money they earn is squandered on vices instead of funding their education. Students who are completely funded by their parents may start taking things for granted and would not have any respect for money.They may even start doing badly in college. They will not respect that fact that their parents have been saving up on their college fund for years. If students are asked to chip in to their own college fund, they will realise and appreciate the effort their parents have put in. Also,when students are busy, there is just no time to indulge in these vices. Although college is a place to enjoy and have fun, it is important for students to have fun responsibily, and shouldering some economic responsibility will definity deter them from taking fun too far. This would also go a long way in improving the image that people have about college students as irresponsible brats.

Secondly, I believe that young college students are highly creative. As they say necessity is the mother of all inventions.The necessity of having to fund their education could spark their creativity. Labs and guidance from faculty is readily available at colleges. Using these facilities they could start a venture. This could instill entreprenuership skills in them. Look at great ventures of today like Facebook and Microsoft. These were a result of the creativity and entreprenural skill of young college going students. A recent study has shown that 60% Harvard graduates have their own start-up or venture. These can not only create wealth but also improve their management skills.

Lastly, we are still in the midst of an economic crisis. Many parents may have lost their jobs and money to fund tuition fee is less. So if students could take up some job, it would definetly releave some stress at the parents end.

In conclusion I'd like to say that students should shoulder some of the responsibility of their college education. This would only make them responsible and parents would start treating them as adults. They would be treates with respect and as equals.

Fee burden can be shared in the form of scholarships, loans, part-time working.

points for with students sharing fee burden:

instills responsibility, eagerness to perform well in class increases, students try to get placed well in order t orecover their loans asap, part-time working makes them mature & more practical, will make students realize the 'value' of money, will help parents financially, they r inclined to spend less on 'nice to have' luxuries/expenditures, student loans are available easily now (without collateral in some cases) with less interest rates.

against sharing fee:

makes students placements/salary oriented while in college itself, negative if he/she wishes to study further, unnecessary pressure & less time devoted to studies (if working part-time) etc.

the topic can also be looked at social, economical & technological angles.
The trap here is 'college' can mean anything -> pre-university (whr expenditure is very less & no need of student sharing loan), UG, PG (comparatively high expenditure) & research courses. Student sharing expenditure also depends on what is the tution fee, living costs etc. If they are low, no need for the student to carry the burden.

review:
1> 'these days students think of college as just a place to party'awkardly put & far-fetched I feel. Instead this could be put as: Students usually in UG/PG, tend to party a lot & indulge in drugs/drinks beyond limit which hinders their career growth while in college.
2> '
Although students do go in for part time jobs,the money they earn is squandered on vices instead of funding their education.'
is against the stand you took

3> ' Secondly paragraph is better off for the other view
J, where in students who dont have fee burden can stop thinking abt placements & get into entrepreneurial activities. Or you need to give a stronger proof to put this case in your view :P

4> Lastly again I feel doesn't prove your point! Very generically put.


P.S: Please let me know if you agree with my review. In that case, I shall try to give some pointers how ur essays can be improved in this short time interval.

P.P.S: please dont feel disconsolate. Reviewing is an easier task than writing one :PAlso, as I mentioned earlier, I'm no expert, so chill:cheerio:

undefined
Write a comment
Write a comment...

"Parents should not shoulder the full burden of their children's college tuition. If university students are required to pay for at least a portion of their education, they will take their studies more seriously and, ultimately, benefit more from their college experience."

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

My essay
The author of the statement believes that by sharing some of the burden of college tuition fee with their children, parents can instill a sense of responsibility in their children. While some may argue that students may be overburdened and would not be able to concentrate on their studies, other claim that this would actually make them take their studies seriously. I personally agree with the latter argument.

Firstly, these days students think of college as just a place to party. Underaged drinking and even drugs is a rampant problem in our colleges.Studies and course work often takes a backseat.Although students do go in for part time jobs,the money they earn is squandered on vices instead of funding their education. Students who are completely funded by their parents may start taking things for granted and would not have any respect for money.They may even start doing badly in college. They will not respect that fact that their parents have been saving up on their college fund for years. If students are asked to chip in to their own college fund, they will realise and appreciate the effort their parents have put in. Also,when students are busy, there is just no time to indulge in these vices. Although college is a place to enjoy and have fun, it is important for students to have fun responsibily, and shouldering some economic responsibility will definity deter them from taking fun too far. This would also go a long way in improving the image that people have about college students as irresponsible brats.

Secondly, I believe that young college students are highly creative. As they say necessity is the mother of all inventions.The necessity of having to fund their education could spark their creativity. Labs and guidance from faculty is readily available at colleges. Using these facilities they could start a venture. This could instill entreprenuership skills in them. Look at great ventures of today like Facebook and Microsoft. These were a result of the creativity and entreprenural skill of young college going students. A recent study has shown that 60% Harvard graduates have their own start-up or venture. These can not only create wealth but also improve their management skills.

Lastly, we are still in the midst of an economic crisis. Many parents may have lost their jobs and money to fund tuition fee is less. So if students could take up some job, it would definetly releave some stress at the parents end.

In conclusion I'd like to say that students should shoulder some of the responsibility of their college education. This would only make them responsible and parents would start treating them as adults. They would be treates with respect and as equals.

undefined
Write a comment
Write a comment...

Question:
"According to a recent study, professional bodybuilders who used Train & Gain, a new protein supplement, over the course of three months experienced an increase in measured strength of up to 20%. Since Train & Gain is now available without prescription at all major pharmacies, superior results are no longer limited to professional athletes. Try Train & Gain today and you too can boost your strength and achieve professional-level performance in just a few months."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

My essay:
The statement above claims that people can now gain strength like proffessional bodybuilders by using Train and Gain. Train and Gain claims to increase measured strength by 20%. The argument has many holes in it.

Firstly,the supplemant claims to increase strength by 20% but it does not mention what kind of strength or strength to do what. No empirical data is given to measure the strenght.The argument falsly tries to give an image of a better body by providing false statistics on strenght gain. The argument appears to mislead customers into using the new supplement by giving statistics that have no relation to the product.

Secondly, it is claimed that a recent study substantiates the claim that bodybuilders who use Train & Gain show improvement in their strength. There is no proof about the validity and authenticity of the study as neither the institute nor the doctors who conducted such a study is mentioned. Also the bodybuilders who have increased their strength during the course of three months may have worked their body more. The bodybuilders may have started a new exercise regime that could be causing such an effect.

Lastly, the argument claims that Train and gain can now benifit even non-professionals to acheive professional-level performance in a few months. Professional body builders put in a lot of effort and time to get the strength and body that they have. The statement gives a false notion that having the supplement alone can give anyone a professional body.

The argument could have been strengtened if the studies were validated by a certain renowned doctor or Medical Institute. This would not only give authenticity to the statement but also instill in the reader a feeling that the supplement is safe and would not cause any harm to the user. In the results of the study it should be clearly mentioned that the professions who increased their strength followed similar regimes as they did before to substantiate the it is the use of Train & Gain alone that cause an improvement in their strength. The use of non professions in the study and showcasing an improvement in them would highly strengthen the claims of the argument

undefined
Write a comment
Write a comment...

Yes sriharsha 😃 The review has been highly helpful!
Please do help me by reviewing my essays! as you can see im pretty bad at AWA and my exam in 2 days :'(..

undefined
Write a comment
Write a comment...

hello daffyme...

pls let me know if my review proved useful......

In that case I'll try to review & give my views on this one & future ones 😛 too

undefined
Write a comment
Write a comment...

Topic
"Parents should not shoulder the full burden of their children's college tuition. If university students are required to pay for at least a portion of their education, they will take their studies more seriously and, ultimately, benefit more from their college experience."

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

My essay
The author of the statement believes that by sharing some of the burden of college tuition fee with their children, parents can instill a sense of responsibility in their children. While some may argue that students may be overburdened and would not be able to concentrate on their studies, other claim that this would actually make them take their studies seriously. I personally agree with the latter argument.

Firstly, these days students think of college as just a place to party. Underaged drinking and even drugs is a rampant problem in our colleges.Studies and course work often takes a backseat.Although students do go in for part time jobs,the money they earn is squandered on vices instead of funding their education. Students who are completely funded by their parents may start taking things for granted and would not have any respect for money.They may even start doing badly in college. They will not respect that fact that their parents have been saving up on their college fund for years. If students are asked to chip in to their own college fund, they will realise and appreciate the effort their parents have put in. Also,when students are busy, there is just no time to indulge in these vices. Although college is a place to enjoy and have fun, it is important for students to have fun responsibily, and shouldering some economic responsibility will definity deter them from taking fun too far. This would also go a long way in improving the image that people have about college students as irresponsible brats.

Secondly, I believe that young college students are highly creative. As they say necessity is the mother of all inventions.The necessity of having to fund their education could spark their creativity. Labs and guidance from faculty is readily available at colleges. Using these facilities they could start a venture. This could instill entreprenuership skills in them. Look at great ventures of today like Facebook and Microsoft. These were a result of the creativity and entreprenural skill of young college going students. A recent study has shown that 60% Harvard graduates have their own start-up or venture. These can not only create wealth but also improve their management skills.

Lastly, we are still in the midst of an economic crisis. Many parents may have lost their jobs and money to fund tuition fee is less. So if students could take up some job, it would definetly releave some stress at the parents end.

In conclusion I'd like to say that students should shoulder some of the responsibility of their college education. This would only make them responsible and parents would start treating them as adults. They would be treates with respect and as equals.

undefined
Write a comment
Write a comment...
Dear All,

Please grade my GMAT essays. I have my exam in 3 days and i still have no clue about the AWA section :(

Please help
Here is the first one

Group #1: Analysis of Issue
The desire of corporations to maximize profits creates conflict with the general welfare of the nation at large.
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations or reading.
The author of the above statement believes that corporations that run with goal to maximize their profit can conflict with the nations general welfare. The issue in hand has many aspects. Some people may believe that in a capitalistic economy the sole goal of a corporation is to maximize its profit and it may using any means. But other believe that corporations should take the environment and other factors while making decisions, not just factor in profits. I would like to support the latter argument for the following reasons.
Firstly corporations can no longer shy away from their responsibilities to the environment and their nation. An industry that does not care much for waste treatment can save a good amount of expenses in that front. Such an industry could dispose of their wastes in nearby rivers. This can cause a lot of damage to the sea animals and also to people who use that water for drinking. As the people are affected by the companies actions they have every right to question it.
Secondly a large corporation that aims solely to maximize profits could use its power to destroy any small corporation that wants to enter the field. This can lead to monopoly in trade and customers will also suffer because there will be no market control on the price of products in case of a monopoly. As only one company produces that product, the company can charge a large amount to the customers who have no choice but to pay up.
Lastly corporation or industries that aim to maximize profits will not make quality products. They make products that do not last. This leads to a waste of natural resources and also leads to waste management problems.
Corporations do feel the need to fulfill their responsibilities. This has lead to many CSR, or Corporate Social Responsibility initiatives spearheaded by many large corporations. SHELL and British Petroleum both have invested heavily in research for alternative fuel, the success of which could reduce their profits drastically.


hey, I am no expert, but have gone thru a couple of GMAT essay books & thought of doing a 'friendly-review':lookround:. First let me give my view on the topic.

points 'for' with the topic:

waste management not done, corporates not getting into philanthropy, corporate ideals not matching that of the govt. or nations progress, unethical in using/exploiting natural resources, work-force exploitation/less wages, automation resulting in less work-force -> employment problems, quality bargain, passing-thru customs and selling products for cheap, not paying taxes properly etc.

points 'against' the topic: profit max. doesn't necessarily mean going against nation's welfare.

increase in employment, GDP/rise in produce of the country, modern techniques used to lessen time to market, corporates cutting costs such as electricity/fuel etc. helps the nation, reuse of wastes/products increasing efficiency, company increasing their product portfolio vertically/horizontally & mergers that may prove good (two loss making competitor companies can merge n start making profit).

review on ur essay:

The topic is maximizing profits goes hand-in-hand with country's welfare or not.

your statement: 'But other believe that corporations should take the environment and other factors while making decisions, not just factor in profits. I would like to support the latter argument ' seemed odd to me as this is not the problem.

I personally feel that you can discuss 2-3 points for & against. Or state points for/against & describe 4-5 points against/for mentioning that they over-weigh the other side.

One thing I see is that your essay lacks substantiation/examples. say for ex. for the secong para, you can give ex. of WALMART. This will make the reviewer believe that you're well read:cheerio:

your last point: 'Lastly corporation or industries that aim to maximize profits will not make quality products.' totally lacks evidence and doesn't sound affirmative. Here, I could see examples though:lookround:

P.S: I hope this was of some use to you & I made sense.

P.P.S: I'm waiting for my IIM results & was totally free...... so, gave a detailed review
undefined
Write a comment
Write a comment...

Dear All,

Please grade my GMAT essays. I have my exam in 3 days and i still have no clue about the AWA section :(

Please help
Here is the first one

Group #1: Analysis of Issue
The desire of corporations to maximize profits creates conflict with the general welfare of the nation at large.
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations or reading.
The author of the above statement believes that corporations that run with goal to maximize their profit can conflict with the nations general welfare. The issue in hand has many aspects. Some people may believe that in a capitalistic economy the sole goal of a corporation is to maximize its profit and it may using any means. But other believe that corporations should take the environment and other factors while making decisions, not just factor in profits. I would like to support the latter argument for the following reasons.
Firstly corporations can no longer shy away from their responsibilities to the environment and their nation. An industry that does not care much for waste treatment can save a good amount of expenses in that front. Such an industry could dispose of their wastes in nearby rivers. This can cause a lot of damage to the sea animals and also to people who use that water for drinking. As the people are affected by the companies actions they have every right to question it.
Secondly a large corporation that aims solely to maximize profits could use its power to destroy any small corporation that wants to enter the field. This can lead to monopoly in trade and customers will also suffer because there will be no market control on the price of products in case of a monopoly. As only one company produces that product, the company can charge a large amount to the customers who have no choice but to pay up.
Lastly corporation or industries that aim to maximize profits will not make quality products. They make products that do not last. This leads to a waste of natural resources and also leads to waste management problems.
Corporations do feel the need to fulfill their responsibilities. This has lead to many CSR, or Corporate Social Responsibility initiatives spearheaded by many large corporations. SHELL and British Petroleum both have invested heavily in research for alternative fuel, the success of which could reduce their profits drastically.

undefined
Write a comment
Write a comment...