Help Needed for AWA Analysis

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Could someone evaluate the below two essays and provide their comments? I'm really worried as I dont understand how well I am expressing my thoughts. Also please let me know if I should not create a new thread and kindly provide link to the c...
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Hi Ankit,

Firstly, thank you very much for the reply. I've had these essays evaluated by two friends and they have provided decent reviews and a bit similar to yours.

After all the comments from different people on my essays, I realised few points which I'll state below:

First, I'll need to use neutral words which do not in turn pose a biased opinion.
Second, I need to frame sentences such that I dont explain so much that I lose the strength of the point.
Third, I should reduce my speed of typing a bit and concentrate on punctuation and grammar mistakes too.
Fourth and most difficult to learn in such short span, vocabulary; I'm constantly running out of synonyms (Damn, I relied too much on MS Word). Finally, as we already discussed, I always need to keep in mind, the difference between an Issue and an Argument.

I think I'll work on these for now. If you think you could add to the above, please do.

Again, Thank you so much.

Hi there,

Here are my 2 cents. Please read my review with a pinch of salt as I am no expert. However, I do have taken GMAT twice and have scored a 6.0 in AWA in both attempts.

These are my personal views.


I believe your essay 2 is the way you should be addressing the essays. Essay 1 lacks content. In essence, you have picked up 1 argument and given 2 examples for it, which are also pretty similar in nature. For E2, you have followed a good structure, picking up three flaws in the argument and explaining them. You can further improve this essay by mentioning in each paragraph how the flaw can be removed(with more data?explicit stating? etc) and what can be done to remove the argument that you are raising.

Also, the structure of E2 is better than E1. This is what I followed in my essays:

Intro
Point 1
Point 2
Point 3
Conclusion

If you can pick at least 2-3 points for essay 1 and put each point in a paragraph, you should be good.


Good Luck
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Hi there,

Here are my 2 cents. Please read my review with a pinch of salt as I am no expert. However, I do have taken GMAT twice and have scored a 6.0 in AWA in both attempts.

These are my personal views.


I believe your essay 2 is the way you should be addressing the essays. Essay 1 lacks content. In essence, you have picked up 1 argument and given 2 examples for it, which are also pretty similar in nature. For E2, you have followed a good structure, picking up three flaws in the argument and explaining them. You can further improve this essay by mentioning in each paragraph how the flaw can be removed(with more data?explicit stating? etc) and what can be done to remove the argument that you are raising.

Also, the structure of E2 is better than E1. This is what I followed in my essays:

Intro
Point 1
Point 2
Point 3
Conclusion

If you can pick at least 2-3 points for essay 1 and put each point in a paragraph, you should be good.


Good Luck

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SSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in the editorial section of a local newspaper:

The inflow of immigrant workers into our community has put a downward pressure on wages. In fact, the average compensation of unskilled labor in our city has declined by nearly 10% over the past 5 years. Therefore, to protect our local economy, it is essential to impose a moratorium on further immigration.

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

MY RESPONSE:
The argument above is weakly stated without providing any information on how the immigrant workers are affecting the jobs in the city. Just because there is a decline in wages, attributing it to the immigrant workers without providing data that supports the conclusion makes it a baseless argument. I will now present certain factors that need to be addressed while making such a strong statement.

First, the editorial does not provide any data about how many immigrant workers are present in the community. If there are negligible number of immigrants in the state, the point that the immigrants are a reason for decline in wages will be seriously flawed. Furthermore, the argument does not provide information about how many unskilled immigrants have come to the city for labor jobs. If such a data is provided and the decline in wage compensation is attributed to the immigration, the argument would have made sense. However, a number of immigrants usually come to other cities with certain skills, banking upon which they try to find jobs. Thus most immigrants cater to skilled industry rather than the unskilled industry. This is because most immigrants would suppose that without any skills, going to another city for a job might be a risky step unless the city is in dire need of unskilled labor which according to the argument is not the case.

Second, The argument does not consider the fact that usually immigrant workers go to places where there is a requirement of workforce which the local people could not fulfill. If that is the case in this city, the immigrants are rather an asset to the community than a threat. If a moratorium is imposed on further immigration, the need to such skilled workforce which was being fulfilled by the immigrants would leave a gap and thus lead to undesired results to the companies. Thus a human resource crunch that would result in the city would only be a effect poorly judged status of the immigrants by the government.

Third, the argument has provided data about the wages of only unskilled labor and basing on which it has concluded that the immigrants are responsible for downward pressure in wages which is a flawed argument considering that immigrants usually come to other cities as skilled labor. Further data about the skill labor, if provided, could have made a supportive argument to the claim

Finally, the argument could be well supported if it were to provide data on how the immigrants have become a threat by taking the jobs of the local people by reducing and also with such competition reducing the wage compensation provided for those jobs. In addition to that, if the argument provides data that all the jobs that are currently handled by immigrant workers can be done by local people and that they are jobless due to immigrants, the argument could make perfect sense in making such a conclusion.

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Could someone evaluate the below two essays and provide their comments? I'm really worried as I dont understand how well I am expressing my thoughts.

Also please let me know if I should not create a new thread and kindly provide link to the correct thread if one exists.

ESSAY QUESTION:
"Out of respect for individual freedom, government should impose no restrictions on an individual's ability to wager at online casinos."

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

MY RESPONSE:
Individual freedom of every citizen need to be respected but not at such costs which affect the patrons. The statement that the government should not impose restrictions on an individual's ability to wager at online casinos and attributing it to respect towards individual freedom is a dangerous one. I would now present various factors which need to be considered before making such statements. The statement does not consider the fact that every citizen does not have the ability to make perfect decisions which are for his or her well being. The government is hence responsible for every individual of the country and need to make decisions considering the prospects of every individual.

Government exercises certain restrictions for the well-being of its citizens and not because it does not respect the individual freedom. A classic example is the ban on drugs which is imposed in almost every country around the world. The ban on drugs is imposed not because the government does not respect individual freedom, but because the citizens are the ultimate sufferers of the bad effects of drugs. Every year thousands of young children and teenagers get addicted to drugs and spoil their lives. Even while the government has imposed restrictions, these evil addiction still prevail in our society. Consider if they are freely available in the market, how many individuals could be affected and how many families would have no future?

Another such example of the even freely available addictive products are cigarettes and alcohol. Alcohol and tobacco are available to be sold to individuals only above the age of 18 or 21 in most countries. This is not because the government does not respect the freedom of the individuals below such ages, but because the children and teenagers do not have the ability to decide what is correct and what is wrong for them. Thus by imposing such restrictions, government makes decisions for such individuals and thus helps them as a result.

If such restrictions are liberalized on the basis of individual freedom, the only possibility would be that the individuals who do not have control on themselves or who do not have the ability to decide when to stop, would keep betting until they loose all the money they have and thus leaving themselves bankrupt or worse in debts. It is ultimately the citizens who are affected by not imposing such restrictions. Thus government rightly considers imposing such restrictions, not because it does not respect individual freedom, but because it does not want its citizens to be looted by such online casinos and leave those citizens bankrupt.

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