Ask Admissionado (Formerly Precision Essay): Interactive Exercises with the PG Community

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Hey everyone, My name is Kyn Chaturvedi, Wharton MBA, and Senior Consultant at Admissionado (_www.admissionado.com_) (Formerly _Precision Essay_). My background is in video games development. Prior to Wharton I worked for Dhruva Interactive ...
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EXERCISE #1 - Provide a catchy opening for GSB Essay 3-C: Tell us about a time in the last three years when you went beyond what was defined or established.

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But first have a read of the Tutorial below. Then start replying with your catchy openings!

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Tutorial #1 Sentence breakdown: a catchier introduction.

Ever wonder how to write an eye-catching introduction? Too many University applicants resort to dry stock phrases or stiff jargon and the results never make it off the ground.

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Take this example:

After a hard day of work, I sat in my corner office, thinking of the data I just analyzed.

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What's wrong with this picture? Well, for starters we don't really BELIEVE it and even if we did, it doesn't grab our attention at all! This applicant has already lost the reader and he hasn't even gotten past the first sentence, which is bad news when his dream school will receive thousands of essays.
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An essay opener needs to check a few boxes: is it surprising and clever enough to grab the reader's attention? Does it hint at the content in the essay and you want to read on? Does it set the stage for the STORY the applicant is trying to tell?
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After drilling the writer with some hard-hitting questions, here's what his revised opener looks like:

75 stories above the ground in my corner office, I realized my decisions would change the world. The feeling was indescribable: we rarely think of data analysis as glamorous but looking around I thought that from the planes in the sky to the roads on the ground, everything relied on data.

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Here's why this works: describing the setting and the writer's feelings gave this story drama. “33 stories above the ground” lets us PICTURE this in our mind and his “realization that his decisions would change the world” makes us want to read on to find out why. Then he ties it all together by introducing the connection between the imagery (sitting on top of the city) with what he does (data analysis). With just a few simple changes, this intro's gone from a non-starter to a great way to introduce this candidate's goals and, even more importantly, his story.

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So remember:

1. Attention grabbing.

2. Hints at the content making the reader want to continue.

3. Sets the stage for the applicant's story.

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Now, it's your turn! Provide a catchy opening for GSB Essay 3-C: Tell us about a time in the last three years when you went beyond what was defined or established.
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I'll give you guys a response with some feedback.
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Regards,

Kyn

Kyn Chaturvedi - Senior Consultant - www.admissionado.com
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Hey everyone,

My name is Kyn Chaturvedi, Wharton MBA, and Senior Consultant at Admissionado (www.admissionado.com) (Formerly Precision Essay). My background is in video games development. Prior to Wharton I worked for Dhruva Interactive in Bangalore, which is most famous for its work on AAA Console titles and mobile games. As a result, I totally get how many of us have some kind of stereotype to shed (in my case "IT") when applying to a top MBA program. I'm more than happy to share my experience with you guys and to help you find ways to position your profile more effectively.



Now, I'm actually here to do something a little different with everyone. Since many of you are probably planning out or even starting to write your applications, why not get a little practice and exercise in how to write solid essays? So, in addition to providing application expertise, I'm going to be your guide in writing effective essays within this thread. How? Well, I'm going to be throwing in weekly exercises here at PG. I'll walk you through how to approach some basic essay writing concepts effectively and then we'll have you guys actually go through the process of doing the exercises for yourselves. I'll then provide feedback and tips in how to improve your work. Practice makes perfect after all. Sound good? Great! I'll get started in the next post and from there I'm looking forward to helping you guys out.



A little bit about Admissionado:
Having consulted on well over 12,000 applications over the past five years, Admissionado believes that masterful mentorship requires more than a degree from a premier school. For us, it is a rare combination of two things: an intimate understanding of the admissions landscape plus the talent to impart that knowledge and inspire clients.



The hallmark of our service can be summed up easily: personal attention. The personal connections we establish with you form the backbone of our success. After all, it is by understanding each individual's story that our consultants seize opportunities to make every application sparkle.
Kyn Chaturvedi - Senior Consultant - www.admissionado.com
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